I look back on these past two years and think how I've broken hearts in order to make sure that I still had a chance of winning the heart of a boy that I so desperately wanted. That I practically begged to come back into my life at a certain point. But now, here I am breaking that boys heart. Breaking it because it's what I have to do in order to continue focusing on what's ahead and because I don't want to fully commit myself to anything in hope that there could be a chance with someone else. It kind of goes back to just having fear. Fear that breaking his heart 18 months from now will be a lot worse. Or fear of looking back 18 months from now and realizing I made a huge mistake. But, that's part of life, isn't it? Not knowing what the future holds? I mean, if we knew exactly how life was going to be played out then there wouldn't be any point of having hope. There wouldn't be the thrill of wondering what's going to happen next. There definitely wouldn't be any fear...or would there be fear? Food for thought. I guess what I'm trying to say as my mind continues to be spinning in both clockwise and counter clockwise rotations which have created this four day long headache...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not at a point where I'm ready to fully give it my all. But, I'm not sorry for what my future holds for the next 18 months. I'm not sorry for the blessings that my family will be receiving because of this decision. And I'm not sorry for the lives I'll be blessing. I know he {{you}} knows that but, like I said earlier, what's the point of enjoying something that is just handed to you?
♥ The Girl Who Is Emotionally Exhausted
Serving a mission is one of the best experience someone could have. You would do great. Trust in the Lord and you will see the blessing that you will get.
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