I dated a guy for 10 months and he broke up with me because he felt that was what the Lord wanted him to do and he couldn't of been more right! We kind of "dated" other people during the summer but just got each other more jealous about it. Then we had our "last date" before his mission and we left on a note that we still loved each other, we'll see how things are when he gets back, and that we still have a lot of hope that things will work out.
I go to college and he acts like a complete jerk now that I'm not near him anymore. Later do I find out that he was only acting like a jerk to me because it hurt him so much that I was away, dating other guys and how it still hurt him a lot to even just hear my voice on the phone...we talk on the phone his last night before heading out to the MTC and then leave on a note of "forget about me, date other guys and have fun...we'll figure it out when we're both home from our missions". He goes on his mission and his first letter to me is him pouring his heart out on how it has been the hardest week of his life, how he has been crying, completely apologizes for being a total jerk to me before he left but it
was the only thing he could do to keep distance from so he can try and get over me, and then makes cute little comments here and there. Like that doesn't confuse me! His family LOVES and simply ADORES me and wants me to be their future daughter-in-law/sister-in-law. His mom teaches me how to play the piano so I already see her once a week. One of his sisters tells me how she hopes we get married because she would love me as another sister. Eddie, his second oldest brother, tells me how I'm pretty much family and not to worry if I get into any relationships with guys and how his family won't think of me any different AND already tells people I'm his sister. I mean...could it really get any more complicated? Oh, and his mom tells some people that I'm his girlfriend still...lol! It just all is soo confusing to me.I feel like I can't really give my full heart away until I am completely DONE with Paul. I mean, I have definitely liked some guys and even have grown deep feelings for one back at school but...Paul was still always there.
I mean, I really would like to be available when he comes home just so I can see if there is still that spark between us. Plus, I am NOT looking to get married anytime soon lol. But then I think about, "what if I find this incredible guy, then what?" And to answer that...if I really find a guy who is beyond amazing and a million times better then Paul (since Paul says if I get married when he's gone, he has to be better then him and has a lot of expectations to live up to lol) then, I can honestly say I can give my heart to them, completely. Paul wouldn't be in the picture anymore because I am doing exactly what he wanted me to do. I saw part of his family at the Amador vs. Foothill basketball game tonight and I was talking to Eddie for a bit. I told him how when I get back to Idaho, Paul will already be out for 6 months! I also explained to him that it's not like I'm counting or anything...that would be lame :) Then, he told me something that he told Paul right before he left. He said..."Paul, if she waits for you for 6 months, that means she likes you. If she waits for you a whole year, that means she really likes you. If she waits for you for a year and a half, that means she loves you.
If she waits for you for 2 years...that just means she couldn't find anybody and no one loved her while you were gone and probably became really ugly so don't even bother!" hahahaha JERK!:) but, then he told me how Paul is really hoping I am available...and having that come from his mouth really says a lot...Eddie wouldn't just say stuff just to say it. I think another reason why I am thinking about Paul lately and having little emotional breakdowns about him is because I haven't personally heard from him yet! I sent him a letter almost a month ago and haven't gotten a response. Ahhhhh! How do you get over someone though? It's not easy...I can tell you that. Especially with Paul. Paul has been a huge part of my life, especially once I became a member. Paul was a witness at my baptism, came to my families baptism the weekend after, encouraged me to call the patriarch to make an appointment for my patriarchal blessing,
came to my first talk in church, took me on our first date to the temple to watch a performance, always helped me with my reading of the scriptures, sat by my everyday at seminary, my date to mormon prom, sang as a quartet with him for church, he came to my ward to hear me sing a solo for the first time during sacrament meeting, encouraged me and made me interested in going on a mission, we also have our "own bench" at the Oakland temple where we spent majority of our first date just talking and getting to know each other. But best of all....was able to go to my families sealing in the temple. HOW can I just forget about him and get over him? Especially because he has been apart of my life so much?? That's the issue. I feel like even if I marry someone else and get over him...
I will never forget him. He is forever in my journals that I hope to pass on to generations to come so they can read about my conversion and how I became the person that I become. He is in them. The generations to come WILL know about Paul. They will know who he is, how he affected my life, and know that he was a great guy. I am happy that they will get to know Paul. But...it just makes it that much harder :/ I feel like if we got married...it would be the perfect fairytale. He was also the first mormon boy I ever dated, kissed, held hands with, EVERYTHING! He has just left a huge impression on my heart and I just struggle a lot with him. But...whatever happens, happens. I do miss him dearly. It sucks not having your best friend in your life physically for two years...especially during the first two years of college. I love that boy!!! He is just amazing! But, I know that the second I tell another a guy that I love him, that I'm over Paul. I would never say I love you to a guy if I didn't mean it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's all yours!
Liv
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