I love those two boys to death!! They are the only two guys I hung out with over the summer nonstop. Topher (who is in Argentina) is the big brother I never had and Paul (serving in Germany)...ah just soo many emotions about that boy. Some days I won't even miss him. Other days I'll randomly start crying about him. It is just a constant roller-coaster of emotions with that boy! :( Especially since I have no idea WHAT is going to happen with us when he gets back...if I'll be available, if he'll want me back, and COMPLETELY starting over from square one with him. But then, I find myself starting to have some emotions for other guys and it just completely throws me off. I know I am scared of commitment right now. I feel like if I get into any relationship with an RM...haha he could potentially be my eternal companion.
And I do NOT want that right now. But then again...I can't stop the Lord's plan. If he places someone in my life sometime within these next 21 months...then shoot, I have to follow it. I can't just ignore his plan for me and make up my own. I need to put complete trust in him. But at the same time...don't you wish that you could have a little sneak peak on what the future has in store for you? Just so you can know what you can be ready for? I do sometimes. It seems like it would make life soooo much easier. I always tell myself that I'm going to stop worrying about boys and focus on school...and that kind of worked when I was at school but now that I am off track...lol it's a lot more harder to focus on other things other then boys. I just really, really missed Paul tonight. Whenever I miss him, I always put on a song that reminds me of him and then look at all of his tagged facebook pictures of him because lol I pretty much took 95% of the pictures he is tagged in. I know, I am beyond pathetic but, it does help. I just wonder all the time "what if" with that boy...it sucks :/ Even though I call Paul my best friend...the one guy who knows just about every single secret (including the dark ones) about me is Parker Williams. I trust him so much. 
I trusted him so much as a friend that I asked him to baptize me into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I seriously love this guy. Tonight he got his mission call! He will be serving in Mexico City, Mexico East Mission :) I am soooooo excited for him. But at the same time..I know that he was my last resort of a best friend here :/ I know he will be off doing better things then being around me but...what do you do when your comfort system is gone? I guess go be friends with girls lol but I don't know...guys really know how to hold a friendship and they're always funny :) Just so much has happened today...my head hurts from it all...and now I have to take a shower...dang it. Well, Baby, I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Liv
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